I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
