I faked an abortion last night.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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