when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
