You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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