Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
