Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
