I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
