you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
