I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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