and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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