gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
