please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
