literally had 100 drinks last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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