Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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