I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
