Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
