Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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