Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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