I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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