her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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