help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
