Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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