OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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