LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
