I think I won the penis lottery.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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