I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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