Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
