Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
