My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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