so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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