nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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