Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
