tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
