she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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