my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
