i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
