he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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