apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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