She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
