She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can feel your judgement through the phone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
