Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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