i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
