I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
