I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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