she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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