The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You're like the curious george of whores
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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