She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
