you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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