its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
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But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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