im drinking this country out of the recession.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
