oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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