Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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