So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
