Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
