My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
