Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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