Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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