So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
