If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
