I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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