If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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