Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
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I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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